I plan to patent these things. Consider this the Public Notice in the Federal Register - I have 12 months to initiate contact with the US Patent and Trademark Office. These Jeff Wynn's Special Crash Diets (patents pending) will be useful for anyone desiring to lose 5-24 pounds VERY quickly. That summer bikini bod? Just 7 - 10 days away, thanks to Dr. Wynn. The oldest of the three Drs. Wynn.
You will not find these diets in O magazine. Oprah Winfrey is a sissy and won't try them.
1. The Duodenal Ulcer Diet - good for 24 lbs in 3 weeks. You will need to chew aspirin without water when feeling a lot of pain for this one. If you have a German grandmother, she will teach you how to do this. The taste is bitter, but it can become an acquired taste that is not unpleasant if you work at it. The consequences manifest as a feeling of light-headedness, a rapid loss of your tan, and soon you will also notice black, tarry stools. Don't let this go on too long, however, or you will literally bleed out. Stay hydrated with Kool-Aid or you will face congestive heart failure.
Ancillary: You won't feel like eating at all, but you should probably force yourself to start on soft stuff (like white bread and bananas) and stop eating the aspirin after 10 days.
2. The Shigella Diet - good for 14 lbs in 10 days. You may have to travel to the deep southern Venezuelan jungle for this one. It requires a cook who never washes his hands, or anything else, and who butchers chickens - and leaves the offal - on the edge of your jungle encampment. They do this because everyone is fearful of El Tigre, also known as a Jaguar, and of course no self respecting Jaguar would THINK to follow its nose to the scent of rotten chicken guts and thus into your hammock. I WILL note that in three years in the deep jungle I MAY have seen just one pug mark from a small cat, but the psychological fear runs rampant among Venezuelans. Everyone carries a machete with them, even to venture 10 meters into the forest to relieve themselves. The microbe donated by the filthy cook first manifests as light-headedness with a ringing in the ears. It probably also involves a high fever, but you won't likely have a thermometer with you to prove it. Within a day it turns to nausea and diarrhea, and within a day after that the diarrhea begins to show significant blood. LOTS of blood. Most people living in southern Venezuela are immune to this microbe, or else they are dead (Natural Selection - Darwin was right). Delicious additional details can be found at http://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/Jeff-Wynn?store=ebook&keyword=Jeff+Wynn
Believe me, you WILL run out of available un-besmirched jungle, and be sure to have at least 10 extra batteries for your flashlight. You never know what you will step in otherwise.
Ancillary: You can stop the weight-loss at your leisure by drinking an entire bottle of Kaopectate with Neomycin. You don't want to fritter around with any teaspoons here.
3. The Ruptured Colon Diet - good for about 10 lbs in 7 days. This one requires taking some very hard falls to initiate. You must try to strangle at least 10 people up against a wall. They will then hold on to your shirt, ears, or chest hair, lift their legs, and drop straight down. If you are not quick with your hands, your face will then hit the wall VERY hard (that's the intent, anyway). Next, the "victim" will cup hands behind your heel and shove a shoulder hard against your knee, forcing you to fall backwards in what is technically called an Ura Nage or simply just a "Tree Fall". You can't roll out of this one because your leg is locked out. This little exercise works better if you are older, as diverticula increase with age (40% at 40 years, 60% at 60 years, etc.).
Ancillary: The doctors don't want to carve on you, despite what you may hear about fees-for-service (I suspect they don't like the smell), so they will put you on a Dextrose-and-Morphine diet. I didn't name it this, because the diet also requires taking a highly toxic antibiotic, such as Flagyl. In fact, the Flagyl itself will probably do the job, because (a) the doctors INSIST that you take a cycle of antibiotic to the Bitter End, and (b) the metallic taste in your mouth makes any food taste like a carburetor.
4. The Extracted Tooth/Teeth Diet - good for 7 lbs in 7 days. You simply need to have a tooth extracted for this one. Two teeth, if the dentist accidentally fractures a neighboring one, will serve even better. Ignore the instructions to avoid spitting and eating any solid foods after two days and the clots will come out, exposing your jaw or your skull in what is euphemistically called a "dry socket". It's not at all dry, because food and saliva quickly pack the openings and the pain rapidly ramps up to a 5 - 6 level. However, this provides an excellent incentive to stop doing anything with your mouth, including talking, eating, etc.
Ancillary: The sockets will heal (close) in about a month. You can temper this diet with liquid protein drinks, but you will need to eat a sheet of newspaper a day to provide adequate fiber. Legal liability issues prevent me from explaining what happens otherwise.
5. The Vitamin "O" Diet - good for about 5 pounds in 7 days. I can't take credit for the name - my kids came up with that. To do this right you will need to work in an environment - say a ship - where you are nauseous from 5-meter seas for several days. It works best if your work window is always at night when everyone else wants to sleep (there are some people who actually insist on sleeping at night). You can keep your brain fueled by eating a three-column sack of Oreos every 12 hours. Don't worry, your system throws it off quickly, and any sugar that doesn't just run straight through you will keep EVERYTHING humming. This particular diet involves virtually no pain, by the way.
Ancillary: This one is easy to turn on or off. The boat driver can simply turn into the wind, which will reduce the pitch, roll, and yaw to just cyclic forward-back pitches. You can also go to bed and kiss off about half of your data.
Several other possibilities come to mind, but they generally require surgery. I will keep them to myself until time for Public Notice in the Federal Register. You're welcome.
You will not find these diets in O magazine. Oprah Winfrey is a sissy and won't try them.
1. The Duodenal Ulcer Diet - good for 24 lbs in 3 weeks. You will need to chew aspirin without water when feeling a lot of pain for this one. If you have a German grandmother, she will teach you how to do this. The taste is bitter, but it can become an acquired taste that is not unpleasant if you work at it. The consequences manifest as a feeling of light-headedness, a rapid loss of your tan, and soon you will also notice black, tarry stools. Don't let this go on too long, however, or you will literally bleed out. Stay hydrated with Kool-Aid or you will face congestive heart failure.
Ancillary: You won't feel like eating at all, but you should probably force yourself to start on soft stuff (like white bread and bananas) and stop eating the aspirin after 10 days.
2. The Shigella Diet - good for 14 lbs in 10 days. You may have to travel to the deep southern Venezuelan jungle for this one. It requires a cook who never washes his hands, or anything else, and who butchers chickens - and leaves the offal - on the edge of your jungle encampment. They do this because everyone is fearful of El Tigre, also known as a Jaguar, and of course no self respecting Jaguar would THINK to follow its nose to the scent of rotten chicken guts and thus into your hammock. I WILL note that in three years in the deep jungle I MAY have seen just one pug mark from a small cat, but the psychological fear runs rampant among Venezuelans. Everyone carries a machete with them, even to venture 10 meters into the forest to relieve themselves. The microbe donated by the filthy cook first manifests as light-headedness with a ringing in the ears. It probably also involves a high fever, but you won't likely have a thermometer with you to prove it. Within a day it turns to nausea and diarrhea, and within a day after that the diarrhea begins to show significant blood. LOTS of blood. Most people living in southern Venezuela are immune to this microbe, or else they are dead (Natural Selection - Darwin was right). Delicious additional details can be found at http://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/Jeff-Wynn?store=ebook&keyword=Jeff+Wynn
Believe me, you WILL run out of available un-besmirched jungle, and be sure to have at least 10 extra batteries for your flashlight. You never know what you will step in otherwise.
Ancillary: You can stop the weight-loss at your leisure by drinking an entire bottle of Kaopectate with Neomycin. You don't want to fritter around with any teaspoons here.
3. The Ruptured Colon Diet - good for about 10 lbs in 7 days. This one requires taking some very hard falls to initiate. You must try to strangle at least 10 people up against a wall. They will then hold on to your shirt, ears, or chest hair, lift their legs, and drop straight down. If you are not quick with your hands, your face will then hit the wall VERY hard (that's the intent, anyway). Next, the "victim" will cup hands behind your heel and shove a shoulder hard against your knee, forcing you to fall backwards in what is technically called an Ura Nage or simply just a "Tree Fall". You can't roll out of this one because your leg is locked out. This little exercise works better if you are older, as diverticula increase with age (40% at 40 years, 60% at 60 years, etc.).
Ancillary: The doctors don't want to carve on you, despite what you may hear about fees-for-service (I suspect they don't like the smell), so they will put you on a Dextrose-and-Morphine diet. I didn't name it this, because the diet also requires taking a highly toxic antibiotic, such as Flagyl. In fact, the Flagyl itself will probably do the job, because (a) the doctors INSIST that you take a cycle of antibiotic to the Bitter End, and (b) the metallic taste in your mouth makes any food taste like a carburetor.
4. The Extracted Tooth/Teeth Diet - good for 7 lbs in 7 days. You simply need to have a tooth extracted for this one. Two teeth, if the dentist accidentally fractures a neighboring one, will serve even better. Ignore the instructions to avoid spitting and eating any solid foods after two days and the clots will come out, exposing your jaw or your skull in what is euphemistically called a "dry socket". It's not at all dry, because food and saliva quickly pack the openings and the pain rapidly ramps up to a 5 - 6 level. However, this provides an excellent incentive to stop doing anything with your mouth, including talking, eating, etc.
Ancillary: The sockets will heal (close) in about a month. You can temper this diet with liquid protein drinks, but you will need to eat a sheet of newspaper a day to provide adequate fiber. Legal liability issues prevent me from explaining what happens otherwise.
5. The Vitamin "O" Diet - good for about 5 pounds in 7 days. I can't take credit for the name - my kids came up with that. To do this right you will need to work in an environment - say a ship - where you are nauseous from 5-meter seas for several days. It works best if your work window is always at night when everyone else wants to sleep (there are some people who actually insist on sleeping at night). You can keep your brain fueled by eating a three-column sack of Oreos every 12 hours. Don't worry, your system throws it off quickly, and any sugar that doesn't just run straight through you will keep EVERYTHING humming. This particular diet involves virtually no pain, by the way.
Ancillary: This one is easy to turn on or off. The boat driver can simply turn into the wind, which will reduce the pitch, roll, and yaw to just cyclic forward-back pitches. You can also go to bed and kiss off about half of your data.
Several other possibilities come to mind, but they generally require surgery. I will keep them to myself until time for Public Notice in the Federal Register. You're welcome.
~~~~~
Ugh. They all sound horrible.
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